Crazy paranoid defence mechanism

I just heard a weird noise, it was like someone's mobile ringing, but I'm the only one home and only three people live in this house (I'm all alone right now) and I know what their phones sound like.

DUN DUN DUUUUN!

Yep. So I've convinced myself that there is someone in my house and am now thinking of ways to protect myself, escape routes, listening intently to all sounds in the house and counting down the minutes until anyone should be getting home.

So here is what I do pretty much every time I hear a strange noise when I'm alone, every time a door is open that wasn't open before and every time I can't find my big knife that I have now named "Mr. Stabby" for these occasions.

First order of business
Survy the perimeter. Or in my case, because I don't want to go outside, the area. I do this laptop in hand, as my weapon, until I can make it to the kitchen to retrieve Mr. Stabby.

Second of importance
Acquire Mr. Stabby. After the area has been secured go to the kitchen and take Mr. Stabby off of the microwave and place him somewhere around the fort (the fort will be built after further securing).

Third
Further securing of area. Check cupboards, behind doors, corners, strategically locking and unlocking doors. Doors that go into rooms with barred windows, upstairs, anywhere that doesn't have an outside exit is to be locked. Front door, anywhere that goes outside is to be left on the catch, or with a key in it for an easy getaway.

Fourth
Building of the fort. Choose a corner that has a view of the most ground and situate yourself with Mr. Stabby and various other weapons. Suggestions include:
Laptop
Frying pan
Pillow case full of oranges (or other fruits)
Hammer
Most things made of metal
Chainsaw
Lamp

Fifth
Not going insane. You will need some form of entertainment so as not to go completely mental. I suggest fanfiction or a blog post about your current situation. You will also want to keep your mobile at hand and ready, although do not go calling the po-lice for no reason, they do not take too kindly to that.

Sixth
Wait. You are now instructed to wait until other family members are to return home, then the problem will be their problem and you will be able to calm the hell down. You will not want to get too paranoid in this time as when the family members actually get home you may hit them with a frying pan.

That is all.